I am grateful for a good friend that let me vent and passed no judgement on me.

today's good thing

Has been the fact that I am done orientating at work, but that comes with a down side as well...in the fact that it is scary! :) Don't worry today has been good though. It was a little nerve racking coming into work and going to two different floors but it has turned out to be a good day so far...7 hours down, 5 to go. Today when I got to work I wasn't feeling well so I was a little nervous on how I would do and if I would get feeling any better...good news is that I am feeling a ton better and the first 4 hours of my shift went by really fast. I started off on the IMC floor and had only about 4 patients and they were all very nice. I had one sweet little guy that you could barely understand but after a while I started understanding him a little easier and he didn't ever want me to leave his room. When I left to switch floors, this sweet little man told me that he was mad at me because he didn't want me to go and when I left him with his RN I could hear him calling out to me. He really reminded me of my patients that I use to take care of at the assisted living center. I miss my old friends from that place, I still think about them often and wonder who is still there and how they are doing. Isn't it crazy how fast life can change on us?? Anyway When I left my patient I went to the medical floor (which I have never trained on) and so far it has been pretty good. It has been a good night to be my first night by myself :)

grandparents

The last few days I have been able to spend sometime with my Grandpa Stucki, and boy oh boy can I tell you that I just love that man!! He is one amazing man and I am SO lucky to have known him all my life! My grandpa has had some hard trials lately and in all honesty it has been really hard on a lot of us, but I have had a hard time with it and because of that I haven't seen my grandpa as much as I should have; so these last few days have been kind of an emotional ride for me. I love my grandpa with all my heart and it breaks my heart to see him having to go through this hard time. But on the flip side of things I have to gotten to know how much stronger he is and how much I wish I was like him. I need to be stronger like him. He makes it look so easy and he seems to deal with everything that has been thrown his way with ease. I hope one day to find a guy that is as wonderful as my grandpa. Today I am very grateful to get to spent time with my Grandpa. Thanks grandpa for everything that you do, have done and will do for me. I love you!!!

rain

I was able to sleep in my own bed last night and it was great. I woke up and enjoyed a lazy day and then this evening I enjoyed a rainy relaxing night. I love the rain!

Like my TUTU?

running shoes

Running shoes are my happy thoughts for day 3 at 3:00am ;) for the past 10 hours I have been able to work on the OB floor at the hospital tonight and boy oh boy can I tell you that today has been a VERY BUSY and STRESSFUL day!!! I am so glad that I was able to buy two good pairs of running shoes about 4 months ago and have them broken in because today I have sure used them. :) 2 more hours to go.....on this job ;) Running shoes you have saved me once again!

#2----Blankets

For my happy thought today it has been a little harder than yesterday. I started the day out snuggled in my bed with about 3 blankets on top of me trying to stay warm. I didn't wake up as wonderful as I did yesterday :( Today I woke with a start and realized that I was already running late. With a quick shower, and quick getting ready I was off to the races for the next couple of days. I was getting everything into my car and out falls a blanket that I always keep in my car for star gazing during the summer or for those days during the winter that it is so cold. My happy thought today was about the summer coming and all the possiblities for star gazing out on my soft blanket either by myself or with a friend ;) I am very excited for those days. Thank you blanket for being my happy thought for the day.

Day 1

For my first day of "Happy thoughts" I will have to say I was very thankful for getting up this morning and having sun shine to greet me! Yesterday was a really rough day for me so going to be last night I was just really drained and just hoping I would make it through the night. Thankfully for me mother nature decided that she would help me get up and shine the sun through my window making me think that I over slept and would be late to work. I woke up and greeted the sun with a smile.

blog challenge

Here on this 25th day of May 2011, I hereby raise this challenge to anyone that is daring to try...I propose to you; think and tell the world of bloggers about at least one happy thing that happens during your day for the next 27 days. I have been told that there is always a little ray of sunshine even within the most stormy of days...shall we see if we can find it?? I am willing to try, the question is......ARE YOU?!

random pics

sometimes I wonder

Lately I have become very reflective on things that have happened to me and things that I have done within the last few years. I sometimes wonder if I have just been letting life pass me by. I look at myself and wonder, 'what have you accomplished? You haven't gone to school, you aren't married, you have no kids and have no thoughts about really having any, you don't spend alot of time with friends or family, you don't have many hobbies, you don't exercise, you don't like your job, you can't say that you are happy, you don't do the things that use to make you happy...what, if anything ashlee, have you accomplished lately?' Sometimes I wonder what is the point? Do you know what it is? Any guess? I am sure some of you would say what I am missing is religion, or some would say I am missing having a family of my own, or a place of my own to call home, and some may just say it is just my attitute that needs to change and things will be better. Those are all good answers I guess...but I am not sure any of those would make me feel any better. Somedays it is just really hard to even want to get up in the morning. I have a wonderful family that has been there for me and loved me even when I was very angry and bitter, they were there for me during my "dark time". I have some really great friends as well and even though I don't see them or talk to them all the time I still cherish every moment I get to share with them. I feel silly because I am 25 years old and have NO idea what I want to be when I grow up. Most of my friends have already choosen a career and have finished schooling for it or are very close to being done and here I stand and have NO CLUE what so ever what I would even be interested in to study for. I feel so silly to say that but it is true. There are so many things out there in the world to learn and study for but what do I start with first? What if I hate what I am studying? What if I am not smart enough for it? What if I am too scared? What if...what IF?!! that question right there, those two simple words, those words hold so much and so little at the same time. How is that? Sorry I tend to ramble, if you are still reading...thank you ;) I should feel grateful and I am grateful for many, many things...but at the same time I still feel very unworthy I guess. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything to be proud of. I feel like I am in limbo and don't know how to get moving out of limbo. I once wanted to do photography but I don't feel like my photos are anything great anymore...I have friends and family that all have "photography business" and I don't.. I use to swim and was good at it..but now I am out of shape and out of practice with no motivation to get back in the water. I use to be a good piano player but can't seem to remember my song I composed. I use to be a great friend but feel like a failure because I have lost some great friends and don't know why. I use to be compassionate but I feel like my heart has no room for it...or my heart doesn't know how to deal with it any more. I use to have motivation to do many many things but now I can't seem to find motivation for anything...I am usually lucky if I can get myself out the door in time for work every day. I feel like I use to be a good worker at work but now feel just put down by things and just "make it by" every day. Okay I am sorry all of that is just very boring and sad. Sorry.
Now on to happy news, I am flying out country in about 1 month. CRAZY, I know!! I am scared, nervous, excited, worried, happy, stressed...and alot more different emotions at the moment. I am almost done with my orientation for my new CNA job...maybe someday I will be a nurse...who knows. It is almost summer time. I got a couple new books that I need to find time to read. Also I need to start knitting again and finish some projects I have going. I need to start excerising again, maybe I will tonight...we shall see. Or maybe I will make brownies or cookies and eat the whole batch. ...Oh what tonight will bring.

for now it is

When you left the first time I watched in sadness and thought that was that, then you came back and said you were here to stay. As I watch you disappear into the night once more, how I wish I had held you more. You held everything in your words, and in your arms you held me. I doubt you understand how much it hurts to watch you go and have you never know how much I care. We could be great, you and I. But until there is another Hello; for now it is just goodbye.