sometimes I wonder

Lately I have become very reflective on things that have happened to me and things that I have done within the last few years. I sometimes wonder if I have just been letting life pass me by. I look at myself and wonder, 'what have you accomplished? You haven't gone to school, you aren't married, you have no kids and have no thoughts about really having any, you don't spend alot of time with friends or family, you don't have many hobbies, you don't exercise, you don't like your job, you can't say that you are happy, you don't do the things that use to make you happy...what, if anything ashlee, have you accomplished lately?' Sometimes I wonder what is the point? Do you know what it is? Any guess? I am sure some of you would say what I am missing is religion, or some would say I am missing having a family of my own, or a place of my own to call home, and some may just say it is just my attitute that needs to change and things will be better. Those are all good answers I guess...but I am not sure any of those would make me feel any better. Somedays it is just really hard to even want to get up in the morning. I have a wonderful family that has been there for me and loved me even when I was very angry and bitter, they were there for me during my "dark time". I have some really great friends as well and even though I don't see them or talk to them all the time I still cherish every moment I get to share with them. I feel silly because I am 25 years old and have NO idea what I want to be when I grow up. Most of my friends have already choosen a career and have finished schooling for it or are very close to being done and here I stand and have NO CLUE what so ever what I would even be interested in to study for. I feel so silly to say that but it is true. There are so many things out there in the world to learn and study for but what do I start with first? What if I hate what I am studying? What if I am not smart enough for it? What if I am too scared? What if...what IF?!! that question right there, those two simple words, those words hold so much and so little at the same time. How is that? Sorry I tend to ramble, if you are still reading...thank you ;) I should feel grateful and I am grateful for many, many things...but at the same time I still feel very unworthy I guess. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything to be proud of. I feel like I am in limbo and don't know how to get moving out of limbo. I once wanted to do photography but I don't feel like my photos are anything great anymore...I have friends and family that all have "photography business" and I don't.. I use to swim and was good at it..but now I am out of shape and out of practice with no motivation to get back in the water. I use to be a good piano player but can't seem to remember my song I composed. I use to be a great friend but feel like a failure because I have lost some great friends and don't know why. I use to be compassionate but I feel like my heart has no room for it...or my heart doesn't know how to deal with it any more. I use to have motivation to do many many things but now I can't seem to find motivation for anything...I am usually lucky if I can get myself out the door in time for work every day. I feel like I use to be a good worker at work but now feel just put down by things and just "make it by" every day. Okay I am sorry all of that is just very boring and sad. Sorry.
Now on to happy news, I am flying out country in about 1 month. CRAZY, I know!! I am scared, nervous, excited, worried, happy, stressed...and alot more different emotions at the moment. I am almost done with my orientation for my new CNA job...maybe someday I will be a nurse...who knows. It is almost summer time. I got a couple new books that I need to find time to read. Also I need to start knitting again and finish some projects I have going. I need to start excerising again, maybe I will tonight...we shall see. Or maybe I will make brownies or cookies and eat the whole batch. ...Oh what tonight will bring.